We all do things that, in retrospect, we agree weren't the greatest decisions, right? So how would one deal..?
…with a bad marriage choice.

If anyone would read all these details and answer honestly, input would be appreciated. Also, I am interested in receiving as much advice on this topic as possible. If you feel so inclined, please star this question so that your contacts will see in and perhaps give their input. I understand that asking for stars will inevitably bring in more smartass or judgmental answers, but that is fine. We can sift out the gold from the dirt here.

Here’s the situation: A woman got married at age eighteen when she found out she was pregnant with her second child. She didn’t believe that love was something that was real, or that could be real for her. So she married out of a sense of pragmatism, because her boyfriend asked her, and she wanted her children to be taken care of.

After a couple of years, and after her husband had repeated e-affairs, one blatant real life affair, and any number of additional suspected real life affairs, the woman in question was fed up. The woman herself cheated on her husband one time, with another woman, and she had to get drunk to do it, and she hated herself for the infidelity afterwards; but she only did it when a willing partner was there, and the husband announced that he was leaving for the night to see his girlfriend. The man paid the bills, but was neglectful of the woman and her children. He would not support her in her desire to obtain a drivers license, to obtain a GED or finish high school, and he would not give her access to the money he earned, except to occasionally give her a few dollars of cash to spend, or to buy her clothes and other basic necessities.

The woman despaired of being able to ever resolve the situation. It seemed she was trapped. She wanted to be loved by her husband, but it seemed he was incapable of loving her in the way she needed or wanted.

Then, something happened that she was not expecting. She met a man online whose posts on Answers interested her. For nearly a year, they flirted occasionally, and then they began to correspond outside answers. They fell in love. They became intensely emotionally intimate. The man and the woman in question both want to be together, but neither of them has any real resources finanacially, and they live a thousand miles apart from one another. And yet, they both feel that their relationship is the most real thing either of them has ever felt, and they want desperately to be together. They intend to be together within a year’s time.

Compounding problem: The woman is pregnant with a third child, by her current husband, who occasionally insists on sex without protection. This husband is disinterested in his wife, other than as a maid/cook/sex partner, and even the sex partner situation isn’t working out that well. However, the man views her as his possession and claims that he is taking steps to make the woman feel more loved, even though these steps are only promises that don’t even make it to the level of intentions, because he never follows through on his promises for more than a day or two…only long enough to settle the crisis that spawned the promises for a couple days.

The main question: How can a woman in such a situation help her husband to see, over a period of months, and with as little drama as possible, that she and he are simply not compatible with each other? The goal is, after this baby is born, the woman would like to be with the man, who is willing to move to the city where she lives to be with her. She would like for her present husband, who can act a bit jealous at times, to accept the finality of the breakup and not act high-schoolish with her or with the man she intends to be with, in the aftermath of the divorce, which she expects will occur shortly after the baby is born.

I understand that people will have all kinds of advice to offer on this situation, and that many will be either unkind or unsympathetic to this situation, but I am still interested to see if anyone can offer any helpful advice on the question of how to break up as non-dramatically as possible with the emotionally neglectful, overly possessive husband.

1. Obviously this "woman" you are talking about is yourself.

2. Did this woman (aka you) think about the ramafications of leaving her stability and the stability of HER CHILDREN (more important) for a selfish love whim? Will you and your kids be taken care of? Will you be ok never seeing your family again? Have you asked yourself all of these questions?

3. Is it really as bad as you are making it out to be or are you now putting out everything in a very negative light to justify your desired course of action?

Prepare for every possible scenario and outcome and weigh the risks. The path least rocky in the long-term is the right one.
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To be as honest as possible with him and your self. Don’t sugar coat it but don’t be hateful. You have children together so be mature. Just let him know that this is not what you want, don’t bring up all the things he has done. That just gives him a chance to try and give him another chance. Just explain honestly that you are done, you are moving on from the marriage.

Even doing it this way it will not be easy at first, but in the long wrong if you handle it as an adult and once moved on he can’t blame you for how you told him, because you did it with respect.

I am sure a lot of people will write about the other relationship. Just remember if it feels right to you, that is all that should matter. No person is perfect, and though those things should not happen when you are married, reality is we are human, and no human is perfect. But in the end, it is your life.
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Well I believe its going to be very hard. I don’t think there is really any way that is going to be non-dramatic. But if this is what the woman wants then she should def go through with it. No one should be happy if mama aint happy that was always the saying at my mamas house, and boy was it true. Respect yourself enough to get out if it isn’t making you happy and it obviously isn’t. I wish you the best and I hope someone else can offer you the right ideas on how to end it non-dramatically. Sorry I didn’t have much to offer.
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I am going to assume they live in the USA. My thoughts would be to tell him in a restaurant or public place, calmly and in a non-threatening way, that the marriage is over and to discuss child visitation/custody arrangements. She cannot react if he gets upset – she just has to stay matter of fact. She needs to know where he banks, where he works, how much money he makes and as much financial information as possible, so that it can all be split 50/50 and she gets the correct child support amount. And she needs to find this financial information BEFORE she talks to him. She cannot control his reaction, she can only control her own. I would definitely NOT tell him someone new is in the picture – that will only infuriate him. And perhaps she can start the process by visiting an attorney before she ever hints of divorce for advice on how to handle things – they have lots of experience dealing with all kinds of people and their antics. I would make arrangements to have someone watch the kids where she and the kids could spend the night while he cools down (make sure she takes whatever is precious to her out of the house beforehand so he cannot destroy it out of anger).
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This one comment….."claims that he is taking steps to make the woman feel more loved" leads me to believe that when this woman gets into her "new" relationship it will also meet its demise.

Whenever one person in a relationship relies on another person to "make" them feel anything there is a problem. We are all responsible for our own feelings, not the other person in the relationship. No one can "make" us feel anything that we don’t choose to feel.

In my opinion this woman needs to get on her feet before she gets into a relationship with any man. She has relied too much on other people for her happiness and this is why she has never really been happy. It is my opinion that until she becomes responsible for herself she will not have success in any relationship.

If one person in a relationship gives more than the other it will ultimately lead to control issues and this is what is happening in the above relationship and what will probably happen in the new relationship. There are too many "issues" to deal with and these two people going into this "new" relationship are consumed with their idea of what it will be like, not the reality of it all.

This is what she needs to do….either go to counseling and work on her marriage, it will be hard but will be worth it for the children, but if that isn’t possible, then she needs to get out on her own, get child support, get away from this man, get a job…even if she has to start at the bottom, but get out on her own and become independent, she will love herself more, be less dependent on the man for her happiness and then any relationship will succeed and she will set a good example for her children.
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I would tell her to see a lawyer and don’t drop hints just do it. Leave the man she’s not happy with, get a divorce, find a way to support herself and her children and then pursue while unattached, the relationship with the other man. Who cares if the soon to be ex causes drama, restraining orders are made for this.
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There is no need for the woman in question to try and convince her husband they are not compatible. She knows it– she’s having an affair– he knows it– he’s had an affair… She is using the husband to secure the family until she can do better. There is no difference between the man and woman, except the man seemed to have meaningless affairs, the woman has found love from her affair. She can not expect a divorce to be easy [they never are even under the best circumstances] and she can not predict or control just how "childish" the husband will become.. The husband will have less drama to focus on if he is not introduced to her new man, or does not find out about that.. [you never know how those things can turn out] I don’t know how helpful this will be, but try hard to keep from your husband finding out about your affair, because you are married and that is what it is.. people get crazy when they feel scorned so do as little as possible to add to his drama…If the wife wants to do things with as little drama as possible, she must find a way to become independent by herself, and divorce before she starts a new life…Give the husband as little grounds to as childishly as possible– and even at that there is still no way to predict his actions..:)
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no point trying to get the husband to see that not interested in the marriage due to the fact as your his since day he knocked you up, he is the controlling person who wouldn’t leave you away like that.

do not tell him going to move, instead get the new man to arrange a place for you and kids to live in, get a job and make the arrangements on moving but if he is willing to except you as you are why wait so long, why wait till the birth, why not do it when can so can have comfortable home environment for the kids and self.

also on same week get lawyer, can do so by legal aid help but just mention not leaving for another man, instead left over the abusive and controlling ways, file for divorce and child support instead. do not mention where moved to either as if he is so controlling he be dragging you back home by your head of hair kicking and screaming due to fact he thinks he owns you.

think hard, act and be free – good luck
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